Concept for Further Discussion

One concept from the semester that I feel could use more discussing would have to be forms of nonlistening. From my understanding, nonlistening involves anything that is not "physically listening." Forms of nonlistening include pseudolistening, monopolizing conversations, selective and defensive listening, and ambushing. These forms of communication are a hazardous effect on relationships. Specifically, I would like to know more about the specific effects of these fouls in communications on relationships. One that stuck out to me is ambushing, which is listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker. According to this, ambushers specifically listen for information that will be used against the speaker. This is interesting to me because I have seen it used in my everyday communication with friends. It is particularly interesting to learn more because I would like to know how to combat ambushers and what to do to let it not affect their relationships. 

Feedback for Class

My favorite thing about this Communications class, was it’s online format. I found this class easy to time-manage. Having a full schedule, a job, and managing the responsibilities with being in a sorority, it was easy to make time for this class. Also, I felt the online format was pretty effective. Blogging about chapters we read lead to a personal understanding of each subject. Also, for those who find it hard to share due to their shyness, blogging online about class gave me a wider variety of opinions from students. In on-campus class learning, I feel I only get feedback from the students that are confident with sharing in front of other classmates, but the environment of this online class eliminated that bias. Also, I felt the professor was extremely helpful in her feedback on essays, blog posts, and her willingness to meet with students regarding their grade or any other concerns with the class. 

Communicating Effectively

Something I have learned over the course of the semester, is how to communicate effectively. While I have learned many important things throughout this course, specifically, I have learned how to communicate effectively in romantic relationships. Before, I felt me and my boyfriend were in a semi-dysfunctional relationship. Now, I realize it is just gender differences in communication within our relationship. Specifically, he shows commitment by “doing”, while I always thought commitment was shown through words. He always wants to bond with me through activities, while I thought talking about feelings was the only way to bond effectively. This course has taught me that there are different dimensions to romantic relationships and different ways to deal with them. There are different styles of loving that lead to the growth and overall development of romantic relationships. Learning these different aspects of communications leads to a more effective way of achieving your communication goals with people. 

Vital Marriage vs. Conflict-Habituated Marriage

Something I found interesting from this week’s reading, was a few different types of relationships as identified by a team of researchers in the 1960s. According to the researchers, there are five different types of relationships: vital marriage, total marriage, passive-congenial marriage, devitalized marriage, and conflict-habituated marriage. Two that stuck out in my mind were vital marriages, and conflict-habituated marriages. In a vital marriage, the couple is emotionally close. They also enjoy physically being with each other. Their source of satisfaction revolves around their relationship. To me this seems like an extremely positive, loving relationship. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have conflict-habituated marriages. Partners are usually incompatible in these types of relationships. They usually only remain together for the sake of the children, or finances. The text states that the primary dynamic between these couples is conflict. This relationship is way more negative than a vital marriage. 

Marriage 50 Years From Now

Based on cultural trends and evolving values of our generation, I think divorce rates will climb even more over the next 50 years. The textbook stated that approximately 50% of marriages will result in divorce, and 60% of remarriages will result in another divorce. I think marriage has changed because we no longer value commitment. Most people don’t understand the responsibilities that come along with commitment, and therefore marry without the intention of staying together. Also, people can be marrying for the wrong reason. Perhaps people are getting married too quickly without getting to know each other better first. I think the statistic of remarriages ending in 60% of divorces is due to the fact that people that have divorced once, are likely to not know effective ways to maintain a relationship, and therefore their next marriage is doomed to fail. I am hoping I am wrong in my predictions and that the sanctity of marriage and commitment will be restored. 

Definition of Family

Family is defined differently to each person. To me, a family is any support system living together under one room. It could be a couple with children, a couple without children, a single parent and their child/children, or even a group of close-knit friends that consider themselves a family. It does not matter whether the couple is heterosexual or homosexual. As long as family members are supportive of each other, I define that as a family. Looking at all the examples of the text, they all seem to be a functioning family to me. Before, I may have only looked at a couple with children, a single parent with a child or children, or any couple as a family. But, the example “a single man who has built close relationships with friends whom he considers his family” now seems practical to me. Another thing I view as family, is an organization. I live in my sorority house, and I see each sorority sister as family. I often refer to my sorority sisters plainly as “my sister,” which confuses those who aren’t familiar with greek organizations. To many people, they’ve thought that I grew up in a huge family with many biological sisters, when in reality I have no biological sisters. 

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Love and Commitment

I personally have been in a relationship in which love or commitment were not both present at the same time during a certain period of it. At one point, they were both present and we had both planned to remain involved with the relationship, but circumstances changed towards the end of it. Towards the end, the promise to remain committed began to deteriorate, so at that point love existed, but not commitment. The relationship was tough at that point in time because to me personally, it is scary to be in love with someone and not know if you will lose that relationship at any second. Some of my friends are in a loving relationship without commitment and they are perfectly happy. In those relationships, although they are fun and good to have around, they seem to be less serious than those that contain commitment. Also, I have seen relationships in which commitment exists, but not love. An example would be a married couple that no longer love each other, but don’t believe in divorce. So while the relationship can exist, it may not be a healthy or happy one. So from this we can conclude that love is the key to an happy, healthy relationship, but commitment is key to continuing that. 

Online Romantic Relationships

The internet has made it incredibly easy for people around the world to connect. Although that has it's benefits, it also has it's drawbacks. Something that has become popular with the rise of the internet, is online romantic relationships. I feel that online relationships lack a lot of things. First, it lacks intimacy. I'm a strong believer in the necessity for the physical connections needed in relationships. Chemistry is important in relationships. When two people are in a relationship, not only are they emotionally engaged, but their pheromones bond too. This is only possible through physically being with the person. Second, online identities often aren't a true representation of a person. The anonymity of the internet makes it easy to exaggerate details of our own lives or even completely change them. Education, careers, physical appearance, and even a criminal history can easily be disguised on the internet. This disregards the first and most important foundations of a relationship, trust. I believe people have the right to take on whatever persona they desire on the internet. However, if they are looking for a relationship online, honesty is key. By taking on another persona online and potentially looking for a partner, they can end up hurting their partner. I know if I was lied to about the person that I was in a committed relationship, I would feel extremely betrayed. Deception is definitely prevalent in both online and real life interaction, but I feel it is more tempting and prevalent in online communities.

Geographic Changes and Friendships

One concept I found interesting from the chapter ten reading is the challenge of distance and friendship.  It is one I have struggled with since I moved away from home for college. Basically, the section states that most friendships do not survive great distances. However, it is dependent on how much the two are willing to work on the friendship and want to stay friends. I have barely maintained any friendships from high school. If it weren't for social networking sites such as Facebook, I wouldn't have contact with any at all. I keep my three best friends from home close though. The section states that to maintain these long distance friendships, frequent email contact, phone calls, and visits are necessary. I've noted that with the friends I don't talk to anymore, its because I never contacted them since high school. It also discusses that women are more likely to adjust schedules to accommodate long distance friendships. This relates back to the fact that women value closeness through dialogue, while men value closeness through activities. Lillian Rubin came up with the concept of "friends of the heart" and "friends or the road." Friends of the heart are the ones we will keep close for longer periods of time and friends of the road are temporary and will change throughout our different periods of life.

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Investments in Friendships

My best friend and I go way back to the first grade. Ever since then, she has been there for me when I needed her, and so have I. Keeping our friendship has demanded time from us. Throughout the years, if we had a period if time where we drifted apart, it was always because we were not spending time hanging out and barely even talking at all. Now that I live 8 hours away from my hometown, we have noticed our friendship is strained. But every time I visit home we make time to hang out and reconnect. A lot of the principles discussed in chapter ten are displayed in our friendship. Some key components in our friendship are trust and acceptance. I've never felt like I had to put on a facade to get along with my friend. We accept each other for who we both are. The second component we have is trust. I know I can depend on her. It is because of this we can share information with eachother that we generally wouldn't with others.

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Emotional Closeness Struggle

One post in the advice forum particularly reflected some challenges discussed in chapter ten. The post discussed an emotionally distant friend who did not want to share feelings with this person. The friend had a series of traumatic events happen in their life, and explained that sharing feelings and emotions just were not encouraged growing up in their household. It reminded me of the section in chapter ten that discusses emotional closeness. The text says that for most people, “communication is the centerpiece of friendship.” This is particularly true of feminine socialization. From reading the post, I concluded that the person writing for advice was probably a woman. She craved communication and closeness through dialogue. However, her friend is a male so he does not see the importance of closeness through dialogue. She could broaden her friendship the best by closeness through doing. This would include activities he enjoys and through that they can bond and strengthen their relationship. 

Investment in Relationships

Something I found interesting from this week's reading is investment into relationships. According to the text, investments are "what we put into relationships that we could not retrieve if the relationship were to end." So in a relationship we invest time, money, and effort. It takes time to commit to people, money for gifts and activities with them, and effort to maintain that relationship. When a relationship ends, we lose that investment. The only way to keep the investment is to keep that relationship going. I think this is why when relationships come to an end, it is difficult for people. I've noted within my past relationships that ended, I thought a lot about the time and money I invested into that relationship. It made me feel like I lost a big chunk of time I could have been investing elsewhere. However, investing in relationships in necessary and imperative.

Defensive Climates

Defensive climates were researched by Jack Gibb. He noted that some people who are guarded because they feel disconfirmed. This means that people from supportive and confirming environments are more likely to share and be open with you. Although I live in a supportive and confirming environment now, it was not always that way. Whenever I am new to a group, I find myself being guarded. From reading the text, I realize this is because I was in a dominantly disconfirming environment at the time. When I moved to San Jose from Southern California, I felt like no one acknowledged me. I felt like I was just there, but no one really cared what I felt. When people did try to get to know me, our conversations just scratched the surface and did not get very deep. These people concluded that I was closed off and did not want to get to know them. I felt people were too judgmental, which Gibb also noted as defensiveness-producing communication behaviors. The text labels this as evaluation versus description. Gibb noted that people do not feel "psychologically safe" when we feel we are the subject of judgement. This is what causes us to become closed off.

Confirming and Disconfirming

I have found it difficult to confirm someone when we are speaking about a subject which we disagree upon. This chapter has definitely helped me with recognition, acknowledgement, and endorsement. It taught me that I can still confirm someone about a disagreeable topic without endorsing their idea. For example, the text talked about a 15-year-old boy who had tried acid and had wanted to experiment more with it. Although the author of the text did not endorse his behavior, she educated him on the dangers and long-term effects of acid. This confirmed the boy as a person by acknowledging his existence, without endorsing using acid. To confirm a person entails recognizing that the other person exists and also acknowledging what they feel and how they are thinking. Endorsing would entail accepting that person's feelings and thoughts. The text makes a key point to mention that endorsement is not always possible if we are trying to be honest with a person.

Vulnerability

One of the concepts I found interesting this week, was the subject of vulnerability as an obstacle to the effective communication of emotions. It is one of the four common reasons people don't communicate their emotions. Vulnerability keeps us from communicating certain emotions to others because we don't want to be perceived differently after conveying those emotions. This is because we fear rejection. A "chilling effect" was also discussed. The "chilling effect" occurs when we perceive the other person as more powerful than ourselves. That is why we suppress complaints of upsetting nature because we don't want to displease the other, more powerful person. If we did, we may become rejected. I believe vulnerability is something that keeps a lot of people from expressing their emotions, therefore affecting their communication.

Speaking in Generalities

Some of the fallacies discussed later in the chapter occur in my life. For instance, I tend to speak in generalities. My roommates may notice that I'm not looking so well that day and ask me what's wrong. I'll say something like "I'm just mad." and never expand on it. I'll tell people the basics of what's going in on in my life, but I won't want to discuss in great detail. This can be an ineffective way to communicate because for one, it's short-sided conversation. And secondly, the person can't get to know you very well. The way the book discussed to combat speaking in generalities, was to choose how to express your emotions. It says to first identify the actual feelings your are feeling. Then, you need to decide who you want to express your feelings to. Then, you must evaluate the perfect time and setting to discuss your feelings to get them across in a effective manner.

Physiological Influences on Emotion

The physiological perception of emotions made the most sense to me. This section described emotions as "reflexes", or a response to an external stimuli. In these situations the stimuli would be events that occur and make you feel those emotions. An example would be receiving bad news about the health of a family member and feeling knots in your stomach. Receiving the bad news would be the stimuli, and feeling knots in your stomach would be the response. Our bodies experience actual physical changes in response to events that happen. I've had this happen on several different occasions recently. Last week, I noticed a suspicious man fleeing from my house when I got home from work late at night. As a result, knots formed in my stomach and I felt a rush of adrenaline through my body. If I had not experienced that stimuli, the rush of adrenaline would have never occured. I believe physiological influences are the easiest to understand because we've all had those types of experiences.

Work at Listening

Recently, I visited the International Listening Association and reviewed "Listening as a 10 Part Skill." One part I focused on and found interesting was the section titled "Work at Listening." This section was particularly interesting because it described college students attending classes to merely pretend to pay attention by nodding and following along with good posture, but in reality their minds are elsewhere. I completely identify with this. I often find myself attending lecture and mindlessly writing down what professors are writing on the board, but my mind is always focused on my job. I may be physically present in class, but I'm always mentally present at work thinking about how it went the day before, and how it will go that night and all the things I need to do. The book suggests that we give our conscious attention completely to the speaker to combat this mindless listening, which I plan on utilizing this week in my lectures.

Pseudolistening & Monopolizing

After reading about forms of nonlistening in this chapter, I realized that a few of these forms exist in my own life and personal communication. The first form I've discovered was pseudolistening. This is where you are pretending to listen to someone talk about something, but you're mind is elsewhere. I find myself doing this a lot, especially with my roommate. My roommate tends to complain a lot and vent to me. I'm never really interested because it's a lot of drama, so I find myself zoning out but nodding along to make it look like I'm listening. Something I can do to change this is to genuinely be interested and perhaps try to help her with her issues. Another issue I may have at times with conversations is monopolizing. With some people I tend to continuously focus a conversation on me. But, I've recognized that and I've tried to change that by focusing on the other person involved in the conversation.

America: The Melting Pot

I agree more with Reverend Jesse Jackson’s metaphor of the United States being both a rainbow and a family quilt. Living in America, I feel I’ve grown up in many culturally diverse places. My high school embraced every race, and even had different events throughout the year to recognize different cultures. I never felt that people “blended into one unified character.” Even after moving far from my hometown to San Jose, I still feel I live in an extremely culturally diverse place. Since I’ve been at San Jose State, I’ve met people from Ethiopia, Russia, and many other places. We’ve discussed their cultural differences and how they’ve adjusted throughout their time in San Jose. I feel America is extremely diverse. I do however believe that certain interpretations of the “melting pot” metaphor are interesting. I never saw the “melting pot” metaphor in a negative light. I always believed it was a metaphor meaning we all have come together and are united as one nation. I never thought it was about losing past cultural traditions to form one uniformed culture. I believe cultural differences are extremely valuable and are preserved within our society.  

Social Norms Throughout Generations

I recently spoke with both my grandparents about social norms when they were twenty years old. With females, cussing, smoking, and drinking were frowned upon. Women that graduated high school were expected to go to college and pursue some sort of career in office administration or education, then settle down and take care of a family. My grandpa discussed how he had to work military drafts into his schedule. Men were expected to go to high school, then either enroll in the military or attend college. Some drinking and smoking was accepted for men. I also had this discussion with my parents. My mother discussed how she was expected to do household chores like the dishes and laundry, while my father had to do chores like yardwork and washing cars. All that was asked of my mother was that she graduate high school before getting pregnant or married. My mother wanted to attend college, but it was quickly dismissed in her household because it would be a “waste” for someone meant to become a wife and a mother. She went on to discuss how her only dreams included going to college and having a career, but she had to put her dreams on hold. My father however lived a particularly rowdy “hippie” lifestyle and had no limitations on drinking, smoking, cussing, and other recreational activities. I feel that some of these social norms are the same with twenty year olds today, but maybe more relaxed. For example, I’m still expected to go to college like my grandma was. However, I’m not expected to become a wife and a mother right away. My parents emphasize the importance of my long term career goals more. With men, they are no longer expected to serve in the military or attend college immediately after high school. Drinking and smoking may be considered unacceptable in households, however in college life it seems to be pretty much accepted everywhere. 

Self-Concept

I found the book’s topic “The Self is a Process” to be extremely interesting. This section discussed identities and how they are formed throughout a person’s lifetime. When we are babies, we have no concept of our identity. Self concept, as defined by the book, is “the realization that one is a separate entity.” We do not realize we are separate beings and individuals until we have grown into older children. And still, into adolescence and even young adulthood people struggle with finding out what their identity is. The book also discusses ego boundaries, which “define where an individual stops and the rest of the world begins.” Newborns have no sense of this. As children grow older they observe the environment for social norms to figure out how they should act. I particularly found it interesting that we are constantly evolving throughout our entire lifetime and continuously redefining our self-concept. 

Race as a Classification of Identity

Race is a classification system used by individuals and government to determine which group you are most closely associated with. It differs from ethnicity because ethnicity is more specific to your genealogy and ancestry. I feel race isn’t an effective way to classify people because it is too broad and general. For instance, I would be considered of Caucasian descent, yet I consider myself to be Irish, Italian, Native American, Spanish, Norwegian, and much more. I feel I am too mixed to be considered Caucasian. I definitely think the Census Bureau should allow people to check multiple races because of situations like mine. Even though I am mostly Caucasian, those that are more mixed, for example African American and Caucasian, have more trouble identifying themselves as one race.  However, I do understand that the Census Bureau would like to generalize options more to get a more holistic reading of the United States population. 

People Constructing Meanings in Interpersonal Communication

One concept I found interesting from the reading this week was Principle 4: People Construct Meanings in Interpersonal Communication. It discussed that meaning comes from how we interpret communication, and not just words and nonverbal behaviors. When two people communicate over time, they come to understand issues and feelings of the other person, and from that we can construct meaning. We are always assigning meanings, whether we are aware of it or not. Some examples the book gave included someone you’ve been dating asking for time apart, a supervisor that seems less open to conversation, and a friend that may turn down offers to hang out. The words may not have encoded meaning, but we will encode that in our minds. Meanings that we construct vary with different cultures. The book gave an example that Americans value conflict more than traditional Asians do. Meanings are also affected by ones predisposition. You’re more likely to not take something so hard if you’re in a better mood, versus if you’re in a bad spot in your life. 

How an I-You Relationship Evolved Into an I-Thou Relationship

A relationship that is special to me is one with my sorority sister. During the earliest stage, we had an I-You relationship. We discussed small things like where we were from and how we came to San Jose State and ended up in the same sorority. We avoided personal questions and subjects that could seem too nosy like money, personal relationships, and views of certain issues. Now, we have an extremely close friendship. I consider her to be one of my best friends in the world, even a real sister. It is definitely an I-Thou relationship. We understand each other completely and share everything with each other. We also embrace each other’s individuality. I feel she is a rare lifelong friend. We talk about anything and everything: relationships, school, money, family issues, and anything that comes to mind. Although we are close now, it took me more time to warm up to her and be as close as we are now.

Linear & Interactive Models of Communication

The text describes linear models of communication as a one-way process to another person. It involves an information source sending a message to the receiver, and only flows in one direction. Later, Shannon and Weaver added noise to the linear model, which involves anything that causes a loss of information from the sender to the receiver. The other model the text discusses is the interactive model. The two models are similar in the fact that one person is the sender, while the other is the receiver. Interactive models are an improvement from linear models because it acknowledges that feedback is given from the receiver, such as a response to the message. Experience is key to the interactive model of communicating effectively because the more experience the receiver has, the more likely they will understand the senders message. Both linear and interactive models fail to recognize that communication improves over time if the sender and receiver become more familiar with each other. 

Hello!

I'm currently a Comm10 student at SJSU. I come from Murrieta, which is around Southern California, and I'm a sophomore at SJSU.