Vital Marriage vs. Conflict-Habituated Marriage

Something I found interesting from this week’s reading, was a few different types of relationships as identified by a team of researchers in the 1960s. According to the researchers, there are five different types of relationships: vital marriage, total marriage, passive-congenial marriage, devitalized marriage, and conflict-habituated marriage. Two that stuck out in my mind were vital marriages, and conflict-habituated marriages. In a vital marriage, the couple is emotionally close. They also enjoy physically being with each other. Their source of satisfaction revolves around their relationship. To me this seems like an extremely positive, loving relationship. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have conflict-habituated marriages. Partners are usually incompatible in these types of relationships. They usually only remain together for the sake of the children, or finances. The text states that the primary dynamic between these couples is conflict. This relationship is way more negative than a vital marriage. 

Marriage 50 Years From Now

Based on cultural trends and evolving values of our generation, I think divorce rates will climb even more over the next 50 years. The textbook stated that approximately 50% of marriages will result in divorce, and 60% of remarriages will result in another divorce. I think marriage has changed because we no longer value commitment. Most people don’t understand the responsibilities that come along with commitment, and therefore marry without the intention of staying together. Also, people can be marrying for the wrong reason. Perhaps people are getting married too quickly without getting to know each other better first. I think the statistic of remarriages ending in 60% of divorces is due to the fact that people that have divorced once, are likely to not know effective ways to maintain a relationship, and therefore their next marriage is doomed to fail. I am hoping I am wrong in my predictions and that the sanctity of marriage and commitment will be restored. 

Definition of Family

Family is defined differently to each person. To me, a family is any support system living together under one room. It could be a couple with children, a couple without children, a single parent and their child/children, or even a group of close-knit friends that consider themselves a family. It does not matter whether the couple is heterosexual or homosexual. As long as family members are supportive of each other, I define that as a family. Looking at all the examples of the text, they all seem to be a functioning family to me. Before, I may have only looked at a couple with children, a single parent with a child or children, or any couple as a family. But, the example “a single man who has built close relationships with friends whom he considers his family” now seems practical to me. Another thing I view as family, is an organization. I live in my sorority house, and I see each sorority sister as family. I often refer to my sorority sisters plainly as “my sister,” which confuses those who aren’t familiar with greek organizations. To many people, they’ve thought that I grew up in a huge family with many biological sisters, when in reality I have no biological sisters. 

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Love and Commitment

I personally have been in a relationship in which love or commitment were not both present at the same time during a certain period of it. At one point, they were both present and we had both planned to remain involved with the relationship, but circumstances changed towards the end of it. Towards the end, the promise to remain committed began to deteriorate, so at that point love existed, but not commitment. The relationship was tough at that point in time because to me personally, it is scary to be in love with someone and not know if you will lose that relationship at any second. Some of my friends are in a loving relationship without commitment and they are perfectly happy. In those relationships, although they are fun and good to have around, they seem to be less serious than those that contain commitment. Also, I have seen relationships in which commitment exists, but not love. An example would be a married couple that no longer love each other, but don’t believe in divorce. So while the relationship can exist, it may not be a healthy or happy one. So from this we can conclude that love is the key to an happy, healthy relationship, but commitment is key to continuing that. 

Online Romantic Relationships

The internet has made it incredibly easy for people around the world to connect. Although that has it's benefits, it also has it's drawbacks. Something that has become popular with the rise of the internet, is online romantic relationships. I feel that online relationships lack a lot of things. First, it lacks intimacy. I'm a strong believer in the necessity for the physical connections needed in relationships. Chemistry is important in relationships. When two people are in a relationship, not only are they emotionally engaged, but their pheromones bond too. This is only possible through physically being with the person. Second, online identities often aren't a true representation of a person. The anonymity of the internet makes it easy to exaggerate details of our own lives or even completely change them. Education, careers, physical appearance, and even a criminal history can easily be disguised on the internet. This disregards the first and most important foundations of a relationship, trust. I believe people have the right to take on whatever persona they desire on the internet. However, if they are looking for a relationship online, honesty is key. By taking on another persona online and potentially looking for a partner, they can end up hurting their partner. I know if I was lied to about the person that I was in a committed relationship, I would feel extremely betrayed. Deception is definitely prevalent in both online and real life interaction, but I feel it is more tempting and prevalent in online communities.

Geographic Changes and Friendships

One concept I found interesting from the chapter ten reading is the challenge of distance and friendship.  It is one I have struggled with since I moved away from home for college. Basically, the section states that most friendships do not survive great distances. However, it is dependent on how much the two are willing to work on the friendship and want to stay friends. I have barely maintained any friendships from high school. If it weren't for social networking sites such as Facebook, I wouldn't have contact with any at all. I keep my three best friends from home close though. The section states that to maintain these long distance friendships, frequent email contact, phone calls, and visits are necessary. I've noted that with the friends I don't talk to anymore, its because I never contacted them since high school. It also discusses that women are more likely to adjust schedules to accommodate long distance friendships. This relates back to the fact that women value closeness through dialogue, while men value closeness through activities. Lillian Rubin came up with the concept of "friends of the heart" and "friends or the road." Friends of the heart are the ones we will keep close for longer periods of time and friends of the road are temporary and will change throughout our different periods of life.

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Investments in Friendships

My best friend and I go way back to the first grade. Ever since then, she has been there for me when I needed her, and so have I. Keeping our friendship has demanded time from us. Throughout the years, if we had a period if time where we drifted apart, it was always because we were not spending time hanging out and barely even talking at all. Now that I live 8 hours away from my hometown, we have noticed our friendship is strained. But every time I visit home we make time to hang out and reconnect. A lot of the principles discussed in chapter ten are displayed in our friendship. Some key components in our friendship are trust and acceptance. I've never felt like I had to put on a facade to get along with my friend. We accept each other for who we both are. The second component we have is trust. I know I can depend on her. It is because of this we can share information with eachother that we generally wouldn't with others.

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Emotional Closeness Struggle

One post in the advice forum particularly reflected some challenges discussed in chapter ten. The post discussed an emotionally distant friend who did not want to share feelings with this person. The friend had a series of traumatic events happen in their life, and explained that sharing feelings and emotions just were not encouraged growing up in their household. It reminded me of the section in chapter ten that discusses emotional closeness. The text says that for most people, “communication is the centerpiece of friendship.” This is particularly true of feminine socialization. From reading the post, I concluded that the person writing for advice was probably a woman. She craved communication and closeness through dialogue. However, her friend is a male so he does not see the importance of closeness through dialogue. She could broaden her friendship the best by closeness through doing. This would include activities he enjoys and through that they can bond and strengthen their relationship.